Question
I received an email from Kay, who has been dating a great guy for 2 months. This mother has been single for a year and has 2 children, one grown and a 11 year old son. She says her new man is awesome and considers him to be a long term involvement in her life, but wants to know the right time to introduce him to the 10 year old….
Answer
K- As a general rule, if the man is someone the child has never met before, I say wait 5-6 months. Obviously, you have not had men in and out or you wouldn’t be asking this question. In this case, I believe you have to go with what the man and your son feel comfortable with. Talk to your son, feel him out, and if he feels like meeting sooner just make it casual! Somewhere in public with no pressure, just hanging out.
It might be good to get a list ready in your head of things they have in common. You know, to just casually bring up in the course of conversation….
Keep us updated!
My first husband and I had an agreement when our son was younger that we would introduce new boyfriends/girlfriends to each other before they met Hunter. I got remarried about a year later to someone we had all known for years, so I never had to make that choice. Generally George waits less time than I would like since he tends to hop around. Hunter is almost 16 now & recently called his dad a “man-whore” so I guess that means that he feels the same way. lol
Man… reading this makes me feel all kind of guilty all over again. My dad died when I was 12 and my brother was 8. It was completely unexpected and backwards. My mom was on disability for as long as we could remember and we actually had conversations about how my mother expected my father to go on if she died and that we should be OK with that knowing she gave her blessing.
We NEVER had any such discussion about Dad.
Honestly, we shouldn’t have needed to, but my poor, poor mother. We did not like ANYONE she brought to meet us simply because he was not our father. Ridiculous. We got over it after two guys, but I think she really loved one of those guys and we made it hell.
Having the list of commonalities is good advice, as is having the meeting in a public place. The first guy (who I believe my mom looked as an expendable experiment, anyway) came early to our house to pick up our mom for a date – THAT was the arranged meeting. Even though we had home-field advantage it was not cool, as far as we were concerned: he didn’t BELONG there yet. Public places are neutral and no one is being invaded upon.
The only other advice I can think to add is to ensure that the father still has a place. If this is a divorce, then hopefully Dad is actually still around, so that is cool. If Dad is absent and/or deceased, then just ensure that there are some family/friends in your child’s life that had some connection to him besides you. That was very helpful for us. There were many others (and men, in particular for the sake of my brother) who stayed present in our lives connecting us to our original male influence, as a new one was introduced.
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Sounds like very good advice!
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Charise @ I Thought I Knew Mama recently posted..Wordless Wednesday- What does Spring mean to Baby
I reckon that waiting 5 or 6 months is great advice!
I have two girls and am recently separated from their Dad. I feel really strongly that I want them to grow up in a stable family – even if that family is just Me and Them … I don’t want them to see disposable relationships coming and going and to grow up thinking that is how things are!
I was so disappointed when their father introduced them to his new girlfriend after only a few weeks. The ‘relationship’ has since fallen apart and the girls are a little confused …
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An article that a few of my friends should have read before they made the mistake of an early introduction!
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Waiting those 5 to 6 months might be a good idea, I agree. A year of being single may not be long enough for the 11 year old child to accept a new person being thrust upon them so hastily, and knowing that makes me consider saying that waiting even longer might be better in the long run. Having a good relationship between you and your kids is also of the utmost importance when dealing with a situation such as this. I wish Kay the best of luck in this!
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